the eternal student

24 hours from now

24 hours from now I should be presenting the last slide of my PhD Proposal!

I wish I could adequately describe how odd and soul-stretching this week has been. It started Saturday night at church when a guest singer came to lead the songs. She was alot of things I've been scared of from the southern bible belt: bright purple outfit with big bangs to match, the portable karaoke system, old time gospel songs, and so much more. CS Lewis' Screwtape Letters always hits me at this point where the devil is using our judgemental attitudes to judge one another while we claim to be worshipping Christ in church. How wrong is that? Anyways, I continued in my judgemental attitude and opened up my Bible while she was singing just to make sure I got something 'spiritual' from this. I loosened up some after a few songs, but still the judment was running high.
It comes to prayer time and I'm feeling really burdened down with our neighborhood, church, and our many many needs. I remember a magnet my mom had on our fridge from Proverbs 17:12:

"It is better to meet a mother bear robbed of her cubs
than to meet some fool busy with a stupid project."

I share that it is pretty easy for me to spot an angry mother bear, but I can't always tell who the fool is. Am I really helping people by giving them money/clothes/rides or am I just feeding their problems? There have been many cases where I know what is good, but sometimes you get taken and it makes you question the whole charity thing. I was just feeling despondent about how futile it seems to help people if they are fools and I can't tell the difference. It's painful to get intimitely involved with people's problems. To be honest, I was being a bit whiny, but I still needed encouragement.

Now, I expected to say what I had to say, people would emphathize, and then we would move on to the next prayer request. Well, who should speak up but the old time gospel singer. And she asked me directly what situation I was thinking of. Whoa!, she wasn't gonna let me off easy. I mentioned Robert and how we get along great and he is trying to do right, but I wasn't sure if in the end I was going to get burned because he was a fool. She laid it out straight that I was to help those who came to me in need and God would give me the discernment about how to help. You don't know how exactly how your help may influence them. It may seem like it's not doing any good but that is not what should influence your decision to help.

So God decided to let the floodgates open this week.

-On Sunday we had a great afternoon of ultimate Frisbee with the church folks. Robert, Patrice (Robet's fiance), and Marquis(Patrice's 4 year old son) came also. Afterwards, I took Robert and family to the grocery store to go shopping since they don't have a car and the bus is a pain with groceries. Plus, Robert was going to buy $40 worth of groceries for us since we had helped them out with food before. We really needed the groceries. Anyways, all the groceries are bagged and Robert is paying for it with a check and it won't go through. Apparently they have a previous check from Kroger that hasn't cleared. Everything is bagged and ready to go. They need food, we need food. What can I do but pay for it? $163.00. We don't have this money to play around with right now. Am I burying us in a hole by helping out others? We have a policy of not giving money, but that is exactly what is needed now. A little faith and understanding here please God. I'm tired of this, but I also know this is sacrifice. Am I being selfish or a fool? I know everything is the Lord's anyways and we should be free to share it, not hoard it. But where is that line right now? I know God will provide, but my American ways tell me it sure feels better when there is at least $3000 in our bank account.

-On Tuesday as I was driving home a man called to me from the sidewalk and said he needed help. I really really didn't want to help but he seemed desparate and his clothing/demeanure told me he was not a street person. Of course, the typical "my car broke down, family is at the car, I'm being shipped out to Iraq on Friday, I need $22.60 to fix the car, and Ic an pay you back double" story flowed from my lips. Man, I really didn't want to help. I believed his story when I saw his car and family, but I still didn't want to help. Doesn't he know we are struggling financially ourselves? I was going to say I couldn't help, but then he mentioned he could send a check for double the amount. It is sooo wrong that I only considered helping him when I would get something out of it. We went to the ATM, I gave him $40, and we exchanged addresses. Did I just help a fool? Am I a fool? No, but it is painful to help others.

- Things got really insane on Wednesday. In the morning, I'm working like crazy trying to polish up my PhD Proposal Presentation and deal with other work issues. I'm about to bike into the lab when Patrice (Robert's fiance) and Marquis (4 years old) knock on the door. I can tell something is up because Patrice is quiet and looks like she's about to cry. We know Robert and Patrice have been having real problems lately. God, please not right now. I have got to go to the lab to focus. I can't deal with this right now. But no, things were to be otherwise.
Robert comes up and he explains that they owe some $400 to the power company. He can pay it, but doesn't want to put any more money into the house if Patrice is just going to leave him. They aren't talking at this point, so Lynn and I get thrown right in the middle of their stuff. At this time, I get a call from Dr. Sitaraman saying he needs me to email me some things quickly. So here I am, trying to focus on my email Dr. Sitaraman and Robert and Patrice are in our living room laying it all out on the line. Robert's asking me what I would feel like if Lynn was sleeping around and then coming back to me just because she knew I wouldn't kick her out. I have no idea, no concept of how I would react. That is so far removed from us. I see it in movies and TV, but I raelly have no concept of the pain. I can't help Robert. I wish I could explain to you how God designed a family to operate, what real respect for a man is, but you seem miles and miles away. I know you are pleading with me as a man for help and understanding. But I can't understand when you think it is about you. I don't know where to start. I'm missing an important meeting right now also. God, why, why is all this craziness happening now? We just want to be a nice happy family and enjoy the sunny day. We don't want to solve another couple's drug, sex, money, and marital problems. I don't want to hear all this. There's nothing we can do if you two don't want to be together. And poor Marquis is thrown in the middle of all this. He will repeat the pattern without God's intervention. Robert is asking us if he would watch him next week for $120 so Patrice can work. Would it help? We could give Marquis a sense of family? Would it help? Are we fools? Are they fools? Are we suppossed to get this involved in other people's pain? It hurts. It's exhausting. Yet, it makes me all the more grateful for my family and how clear God is in his promises and blessing if we are faithful.

I reached a point where I knew God would take care of my PhD Proposal and everything else if I just relaxed and dealt with things as best I could. Things feel out of my control and that is okay. Really, they always have been out of my control. So I don't panic. Last Saturday a Mennonite church planter came and spoke of bringing the Eternal into the Temporal. This world and its craziness with politics and materialism gets us confused by trying to bring the Temporal into Eternity.

-A family in our church with 5 kids living is living in a 2 bedroom house. The husband was out of work for a while and they fell way behind on bills and into debt. The church has been helping them out and trying to get them back on their feet, but it ain't easy once you've been down. The husband has a job now but it really isn't enough. Plus one of their children has autism and that introduces a whole new realm of issues. This is kind of a blessing for Lynn because it fits perfectly into her abilities and passion of working with autistic children. Anyways, it turns out on of the local cats (Donald) in our neighborhood has a new 4 bedroom house 3 doors down from us that he will rent out for $600. Of course it sounds to good to be true, but we are praying. It would be perfect for the McWhite family.

Hey, here is a picture of my nieces Casey and Dayna.

Posted by andyp at February 24, 2005 4:27 PM